1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
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Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
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Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
His nipple licking is glorious
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