Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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