Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
