and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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