she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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