I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
