Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
