oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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