Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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