So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
