Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
