he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
