if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
