Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
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I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.