you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
