I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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