But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
