She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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