This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
