my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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