he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
