ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I got inside last night via doggy door
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
