i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
