WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize