It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
