i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
