Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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