apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
