so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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