my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My feet surprised me
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