one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
