The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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