just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
