watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
