yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
