You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
