Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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