people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
