I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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