she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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