Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
