Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
