CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
