Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
