I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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