Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
