I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
