My cat gives me a boner
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
