I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
