Your dad touched me again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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