I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
