May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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