My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
