I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
