Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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