dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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