dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
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then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
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So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
All I want is dick and wine.