you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom