i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.