this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
