the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
