thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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