Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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